Relevant Posts:
Palintology
Sarah Palin Haikus
Haiku Originations
Censorship?

She says Dino’s and humans existed together, that intelligent design could be taught as an alternative to the Theory of Evolution, her father was a public school science teacher and no journalists are confronting her about it, straight on?  That’s, it!  I’m doing my own interview on the topic!  Only, in my interview, she’s not gonna have the chance to exonerate herself with slick and savvy sound bytes.  I’m taking Sarah straight to the evidence room!  Here’s goes:

Sarah Palin and I enter the American Museum of Natural History through the revolving doors on Central Park West and go to the dinosaur section.  I call her attention to the Late Jurassic Theopod fossil that existed 130 million years ago.  We then go to the hominid section so I can show her fossils proving that early hominids that existed 3.6 million years ago.  She tightens her lips.  “Haven’t you ever discussed this with your dad?” I ask her.  She takes offense, understandably.  Okay, well, she is the Republican Vice Presidential candidate and I wasn’t approaching her with the professionalism she deserves.  I remind myself that it is in my best interest to listen to what she has to say with curiosity and humility.  In fact, I’ll begin by asking if she’s willing to continue the interview.  “Are you willing to continue?”  She resumes by insisting that this is a lower 48 museum conspiracy—an effort to delude and subsequently demonize the common folk.  I ask her if she’d like to discuss said conspiracy with a couple of the resident scientists in the Division of Paleontology. “There’s an exhibit on me?” she beams!

“Well, not exactly,” I start to try and explain but she turning away, winking at a security guard and waving to an elementary school field trip.  What’s going on?  It’s like, she’s suddenly just outright ignoring me in the middle of our interview.  My focus shifts to the Governor’s body language.  Her feet and shoulders are no longer turned towards me but diagonally across the room.  The message she is communicating is that I will get no cooperation from her if I continue this trajectory.  Okay, now, for the default plan.  Drop the issue entirely. Shift topic.  Shift location.  We exit through the revolving doors onto Central Park West.

Palin and I board the downtown bound B train and head over to the New York Public Library.  Third floor to the Astor Reading room.  I pull out the “T” volume of the Oxford English Dictionary.  The Governor selects a long wooden table with two available seats.  I place the volume down on the table and pull the chain on the brass lamp.  I flip through page after page.  Passing, theologian, theology…ah, here it is, theory with a lower case “t.”  What else, ah another word with an entirely autonomous definition is Theory with a capital T.  “Shall I continue?”  SP is studying the gilded edges of the Rococo cumulus cloud ceiling.  Okay, it’s another body language queue telling me its time to let it go.  But then, I’m not ready to let it go.  Not yet, anyway. “Sarah,” I say, “There’s something I need you to look at and you don’t even have to say anything about it, okay?”  Her response: a poker face.  I place my index finger on the colloquial definition of theory in the OED and then explain this is an entirely different word than Theory, as defined scientifically.

“Of course, the two words frequently, and understandably, get confused, for obvious reasons.  The scientific Theory of Evolution is supported with data.  This is why, in this particular context, there are no alternative Theories.  Allowing Intelligent Design into the public school curriculum as an alternative theory when there is no scientific data to support it would be the equivalent of allowing an alternative to the Theory of Gravity to be taught without sufficient data,” I explain.

Palin pauses. Palin ponders. Palin purses her lips.  Something is happening.  What’s going in? Ohmygod, she’s sobbing cats and dogs now all over the OED.  A security guard comes to the rescue by removing the tear stained volume.  She’s crying harder now.  Right here, right in front of me, right in front of everyone else in the New York Public Library Astor Reading Room this afternoon.  And, ohmygod, the acoustics in this room are so unbelievably lousy, her wails and gasps for air between sobs just echo and echo and echo all over the place.  Even the pneumonic tubes transporting the reference requests are rattled from the resonance.  After the several dozen simultaneous shushes by the surrounding tables, I gently place my hand on Sarah’s elbow and suggest we go outside, get some air, freshen up or something.

On the marble steps between Patience and Fortitude, I am handing the governor a mirror so she can see for herself.  It’s not that bad, really.  In fact, her make-up really held up.  Just out of curiosity, is that a waterproof mascara you’re using?” Soon as the words are out of my mouth I catch myself and realize it’s time to tune into body language again.  Once again, I realize that Sarah Palin is utterly oblivious to everything going on with the exception of the cataclysmic tear gush she is now having to contend to.”  I want to be more helpful but I don’t have any Kleenex on me.  I offer Sarah her some Purell instead.  Perhaps it would maybe help to….well, maybe not.  Okay, she’s still crying.  Crap.  This is beyond attentiveness or inattentiveness to subtle communication dynamic and body language.  This is weird.  Not to mention, a situation that is completely out of my league.  I am standing between Patience and Fortitude on the marble steps of the New York Public Library with a Republican Vice Presidential candidate who wont stop crying.  Her face is wet, her clothes are wet, her fine leather go-go boots are so drenched they’re making squishie noises with every single step.  It’s a veritable flood of humility and her eyes just continue to gush!

I take her by the hand now, towards our unanticipated, yet necessary, final destination.  Downtown subway to the Eye and Ear Infirmary Emergency Room where she is whisked through triage, examined by an eye doctor who dilates her pupils with sting-ie yellow drops, pulls a Bobba Fet visor over his face, shines a light into the back of her soul and concludes a bacterial infection.  She is given a prescription for antibiotic eye drops, instructed to take them twice a day for a week and then return for a follow-up.  Within 24 hours she can expect to be feeling fine but it’s important that she not stop taking them just because the symptoms are gone away.  This is because they are antibiotics.  You can’t just quit them cold turkey.  These things have to be gradually phased out.  She assures the doc that she’ll take care to follow his instructions.  In fact, she’s went on antibiotics once for an infection caused by an ingrown toenail once.  They were tremendously beneficial.  “Okay,” I decide.  “Here’s my chance.”  My heart is racing for fast I feel it pulsing in my head.  “Are antibiotics are based on speculation, Doc?” I ask.  “Course not” he responds.  I am attempting to decipher the Governor’s undecipherable body language out of the corner of my eye. “Are the Antibiotics based on the Theory of Evolution, or on the ‘theory’ of Intelligent Design?” I ask the doc.  He is laughing; I am laughing and SP is gone.

I’m running down the stairs and past the security guard and out onto 14th street.  She is a block north of me, hailing an east bound cab.  By the time I reach the cab, she is already gone.  My one opportunity and I blew it!

Had I been more attentive to the subtextual messages conveyed through body language then perhaps I wouldn’t have alienated her to the degree that I did. Had I been able to continue to interview then perhaps she’s have grown to like me or at least trust me enough to open up about the fact that her science teacher dad never gently pulled her aside to explain that dinosaurs preceded hominids on the timeline and elucidated the difference btween theory and Theory so that she knew not to use this colloqual word in a scientific context.  Was some dysfunctional dynamic at work or just plain negligence on her dad’s end?  Does anyone, Republican or Democrat, have a theory on why the scientific context of the word “theory” gets repeatedly misappropriated?  And while we’re at it, doesn’t anyone have some Kleenex?